If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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