if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
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Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My penis needs a shock collar
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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