Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
