Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
