Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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