Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
