the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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