a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
