Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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