Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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