After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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