So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
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It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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