So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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