Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
