I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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