it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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