i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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