I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
