I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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