is your mom at the bar?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
