i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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