When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Two words: nipple clamps
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