I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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