Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
