He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
