i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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