Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
