Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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