drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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