the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
