That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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