how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
