I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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