Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
