You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
