Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you will always have a special place in my vag
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
