Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
