i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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