I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
