I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's blow job season.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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