it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
