what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
