Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
