You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
