Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
