The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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