does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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