He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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