I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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