I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
