I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She's the barista slut.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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