Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
