Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
3pm strippers are depressing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
