Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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