im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
