420 ftw
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
