You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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