my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
