My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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